Take · these · broken · wings · and · learn · to · fly

For whoever still reads this...
I am leaving for Ghana (west africa for idiots who dont know) on March 4th, for the semester.

SO, if you wanna hang out let me know because im going to be gooooooooone for a long time.

Yippee.

I neglect this for myspace....

No one reads this shit anyway.

I have completely lost my grip on my life right now. Uno's owns my soul, and works me 50-70 hours a week.
I hate where I live here.
I feel completely empty.

Boys toy with my emotions too damn much.

I swear I am bi-polar, or multiple personality, some crazy insane in the head shit.

Well the past week I have been fabulous. I got a new kitten, his name is maximus, and he is adorable and the love of my life, i am a crazy cat obsessed nerd.
Last night I worked, found out ron was ok, and got wasted with kel, josh and my roomy on boxed wine, or rather sangria. Woke up still plastered and went to work, no one told me my pants were inside out, i didnt even know til i got home. Took a nap, went to second job, got off 2 hours early... SCORE! Went with josh to visit kel and eat, then went on a trek on the awful roads to find a snow tube, it took forever and i finally paid 18 dollars for a double sweater, because thats all they had.

But where am i now? Not out with everyone sledding on the 20 dollar piece of blow up poop i bought.

I got really upset about something little, and couldnt stop the snowball effect of my emotions and ended up just crying.

I hate this.

Stuff has just been bothering me, the more i open up and am myself, the more people seem to look down on me. everything that used to be what people loved about me, not gets comments like "no seriously, how could anyone actually date you" and how i dont dress right or just, for such a liberal city i seem to meet all the pricks.

Kelly lets me down... a lot.

I finally thought i knew what i wanted.

I feel so lost again.

maybe im just overtired.

max and i are going to cuddle.

Happiness.

I feel somewhat attratcive.
I am findind happiness and beauty in everything.

Hooray for making good amazing friends
Hooray for having a lovely beef
Hooray for loving this city
Hooray for not hating my jobs
Hooray for not having hangovers
Hooray for life, hooray for me, hooray for you

HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND.

Come visit me.

Night number 2, went well.

I love Ron Burgundy

I had a good time, though we had to play extreme catch up.

Kelly barfed all over everything everywhere including me.

Luke saved the day.

I slept happy.

Work made me want to beat my face in with a hammer, and now i get a letter from bastard brandon, lets just make me feel worse and worse.

please god, if you have a soul, you'll let me watch my girly movie tonight with boy. I will be happy then, make him say YES.

What an auful neggative post...

Weirdest phone call ever the other night. So its 3 am, and I am asleep in lukes room, everyone is asleep, and the phone rings, and its a green bay number, that I do not recognize, and I know that no one in madison from green bay has that number, and I cannot think of who would be calling me from green bay at 3 am.... no message. So i send a text saying who the fuck is this, they call back, 3 MORE TIMES, but no message... i send another message who the fuck is this and why are you calling me and not leaving an effin message. (I get very angry when I am woken up for stupid shit) then it beeps, new voicemail.
ITS EFFIN RYAN O'LEARY.
maybe 4 months ago he led me on, and made me pretty much fall in love with him, hung out with me every day, and then one night, i called and instead of him answering, a girl a very angry girl called back and told me she was his girlfriend and she knew what a slut id been (ummmm what?) and never to call again, and such.
Tanya and I egged his house that night, and I have not heard from him since.
APARANTLY, he left for a job in idaho for awhile and has been gone the whole time, and just found out a week ago what happened, and felt auful.

Who knows if thats BS or not.

Still, it was nice to get a call.

Hmmm how random. The other day I had a day where for the first time since ive been in madison, and probably even a while before that, I felt truly happy. I was happy being here, happy about life, happy about my relationships with luke, and friends.... i felt absolutely euphoric.
It lasted until today. when for some reason ive just become absolutely blah poop crap shit.

I am in love with the movie Elizibethtown. I dont care who says its poop, i thought it looked like poop, but instead, I fell in love.

bitches.

I have wanted to go on a walk for days, luke said no because he had exams to study for, but I have yet to receive my raincheck. We walked to the capitol yesterday, but that was only to bring paychecks to the bank, that was buisness walk, I want real walk, talk, hold my hand and enjoy the cold night air walk.
Hopeless gina, you're stupid and he isnt going to be the way he used to be, he just isnt that person anymore.
Wishful thinking...

Yesterday was a happy afternoon, I went on buisness walk, but got a REAL goodbye, then went and met kelly my lover for ice cream, and in the middle of ice cream, who do i see walking down the street? JAKE, Jake MacDonald (maybe i spelled that wrong) walking down state, and of all my brothers friends, he was my favorite, why you ask? He always praised my cookies, and would talk to me when he came over, not just be like OH, thats just erics sister, and if he'd call and eric wasnt home, again, he'd talk to me even though he had no reason to.
So he gave me a big hug and talked to me, and I promised to send cookies to him at ND. BUT THATS NOT ALL.... In the middle of this event, this crazy maybe homeless maybe just crazy man, came up and started talking to us, and he has his own language i swear, but anyways. Jakes roomate was designated the bus driver, Jake became the law, I became Sandy the badass, for wearing flip flops, Kelly was Cindy who just said nothing and giggled a lot, and the guy would just point to Andy and be like and he, he just say nothin!
You really had to be there, but anywho...
I heart the crazies in madison.

I took kelly to get her tragus pierced, its ADORABLE, and anywho, the guy there, was the NICEST guy I think I have ever met. More piercings than ive seen on a face ever, had them under his skin, not like a surface piercing, but like barbells completely under his skin that had to go in by cutting tissue and sewing the barbell into his tissue....craziness. But he was just the sweetest guy, and it was so funny because kelly nearly passed out so this guy is giving her water, and sweet tarts, and telling us his life story and how he has a son, and his sons middle name is pierce, (after him... awww) and how he saved his life, and just craziness, til like 30 minutes after they closed.

Random.... but fun.

I love 3 am omlets.
At 12:30 am we decided hmmm lets go walk to regent (not that close) and go to the OP, and get supplies to make breakfast, we returned at 1:30 am, with date cigs, diet soda, bacon, eggs, and cheese, and proceeded to make 2 am omlets and bacon..... mmmmmmmmmm.
And in turn, i got no sleep, and didnt do any studying, but Emmy said "Gina you wont remember doing poor on an exam, or not getting sleep, you'll remember making omlets and having a crazy night with a friend"
how true.

I wish my computer was here!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to go eat at titletown... how sad is that, but I miss the food.... i mean i miss the people too, but everytime i go out to eat here, im like mmm this is good.... i like it at titletown better...sad gina.... sad.

I am a workaholic. I get my days where i whine about needing to leave when i feel ill. But I am content working 7 days a week, all the time.....

I want to be drunk tonight.... really good and drunk..... i hope i can make that happen.

If you want to laugh a lot, go to www.stuffonmycat.com

I laugh every day.

What to do, what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soon I must go shower and be ready so if I do leave, I am able to... pooppoopoop

I am comming home this weekend.
Tonight I am going to koshkosh, and hopefully will see people and have a splendid time, because otherwsie i am just going to be with kelly and that is not terrible, but id feel out of place perhaps.....

Then tomorrow home. I don't even know if i will be allowed to stay at my parents house.... how sad is that.
Maybe I don't want to go, maybe I want to stay here and be miserable, but what if I go home and i am miserable.

I worry.

Maybe It's good to get away for a weekend, and hopefully see people, and give luke time so he doesnt feel smothered, (though ive seen him twice this week which i hardly would call "too much"
But I am worried, i want to be here, if i get that drunken call tonight, I want to be here if he really wants to hang out and spend time with me tomorrow.
I am worried (and yes people i know its fuckin ridiculous) but i worry that he will forget me while i am gone, and realize once again he has more fun with the boys and wants nothing to do with me, resulting in shit between us and most likely a breakup... if you knew him you'd understand why I feel like this.

I have like 3 hours to make a decision.

shitty.

I watched gremlins last night, it made me happy.
I wish things were the way they used to be.

Good news: My name is Sandy, and my lover, Cindy and I have had 3 lovely dates.

goodness just shoot me.

You will either love this, or think its retarded.

I love it.

I also have a black eye.

Fuck you rompa.

Today is absolutely beautiful outside.

In pants and a 3 quarter length thin shirt, I was sweating.
There's music on library mall.
Theres sunshine.

I feel happy today, I feel infinite today.

10 pounds will be gone soon, and that is faaaaaaabulous.

For now, I think I will go run, play in the sunshine, perhaps visit the cancer box (hey if thats my only bad habbit then its not that bad, who scares if i get skin disease) and waste my day away.

lovely.

I can work tonight at 6, but I do not really feel like it.

Work, study, work, study, boy, work, work, work, study....... I need time to play!

And play I shall.

I am ok.

My body is not a wonderland.

God has cursed me, yes i got lucky and am nice and tall, I dont have excess amounts of cellulite, and i happen to really enjoy my bum. But its like when they made me they were like, well ok, shes not terrible on the outside, so lets REALLY mess up her insides.

Adding to my list of lovely medical problems that make me a specimen that most doctors would love to study (for more reasons than 1, ahahahahahahahahaha) I have really nasty ulcers.

My diet for the next week consists of....

liquids: water
solids: plain white rice, plain whole wheat bread, and plain baked potato

mmmmmmmmmmmm

People are so ignorant.

sigh.

I really love my lukasaurus.

Some days Google will make me laugh, today when I already felt like shit, it did this to me
"Gina needs"

1.GINA needs someone to talk Girl
Talk to.
2.Gina needs a Zanax prescription soon!
3.Gina needs a makeover
4.Gina needs to have a breakdown
5.Gina needs revenge
6.She needs counseling
7.Gina needs a severe reprimand for having done what she did

I hate change. I crave it, when things are stuck the same, I become miserable, and all I want is a change, and the moment I get what I want, I hate it.

Maybe I am asking too much to want what i had for a month. I found a boy who treated me nice, was so polite and nice, and payed for things, and told me I was pretty, and how dating me was amazing, "he couldnt beleive this was happening to him" and every time he learned something else about me, he was more amazed, and even when I had crazy problems, he just said he'd help me through it. He was so excited when i first visited, and had to introduce me to everyone as his girlfriend, proud, and happy. He used to tell danielle how much he liked me, he used to tell me how much he liked me.
Maybe it'd because the relationship isnt "new" anymore. And everything is ok, I am just paranoid. He used to tell me he planned on keeping me around through next year, now he tells me he gets urges a lot to be single.

I hate brandon, I want nothig to do with him, but because I am so lonely and so unhappy here right now, I answer his calls, or accept an invitation to go eat. I want him out of my life, I don't feel connected to him anymore, I dont love him anymore, I dont have any emotions for him at all, but because I feel so empty I keep him in my life because I am terrified of having no one.

I used to be told all the time I was smart but lazy. And knowing I was extremely lazy, I just lied and pretended I wasnt smart, pretended i worked really hard in school, but it was just too tough for me. (which it wasnt, i dont even remember actually making an honest effort)
So now I tell myself I am smart, and just need to get over being lazy, and for once I feel motivated to do well, and now its the opposite, and im being told I am ignorant, and stupid, and can't do it.

I don't even recognize my face in the mirror. I want to say its like an eating disorder, when you're so skinny but you actually see yourself as fat in the mirror, your brain actually see's you as some disgusting overweight being, that in truth only weighs 90 pounds. Only instead of being too fat (which I do feel) Its just ugliness. Everyone has bad days, and days where they like how they look, days where they dont, but I really just, dont feel pretty anymore. I feel so plain, and wethered.

Im not unique, I am not weird, I am not pretty, I am not smart, I have no talent, no hobbies no nothing, I revolve my life around made up idead and things in my head, planning my every decision around when I am hanging out with someone, usually one person that is a boyfriend or friend that i spend my only free time with.

Im just severely fucked up.

I don't belong here in madison, I dont belong in Green Bay, or maybe I do, and I am meant to rot there, in my own misery i brought upon myself.

Someone please end this?

I wonder what she thinks when i turn in my homework.
Eh.

It's boys like you
who leave girls like me
twisted
in their sheets at night,
wrapped up
in potential-maybe thoughts,
maybe actions,
the pull of sex
and sin,

Oh sin.
And sometimes
I wish I was religious
because I'd like to be that,
you know,
that temptation,
and
I'd like to defile it.

Defile everything,
and I'd just give myself
to you -
no god,
no demon,
I'd just say
Fuck It
and let go of everything
that I thought
I understood.

And the world would gain depth
and the mountains
would age with the days
and I would
believe
stories of monkeys
and the stories
of no great Ark,
and I would believe them,
because it would fill me
with

That,
that knowledge
passion,
that moment
when Science
takes on actuality.

And.

I'd like to thank
boys like you
for giving me
faith in the universe,
for acknowledging
that the sky is blue
not because
God made it blue,
not because,
no,

and I can say that now
because
I was never taught otherwise,
because mother never taught me otherwise,
and father never taught me otherwise;

I can say that
because boys like you
fucked
all the wishy-washy
sentimentality
out of me,

and I'm left here,
naked and vulnerable,
tossed in tears
and crying out for more.

Just a little more.

Because
I want to understand
black holes
and quantum physics.

And I can do it.

Just bite down
a little harder
and slice in
a little deeper.

And then I'll feel it.

The cold slapped me in the ass this morning.

So as my slumber was rudely interupted this morning by my entire body SHIVERING, i thought, oh, its just because i have no blanket and theres a FAN blowing at me.
Brad turns the fan off when he leaves for class and im a bit more comfortable, and then luke finally gives me some effin blanket and I am content.
Now, logically, someone would think... hmmm normally in the dorms its 5000 degrees even if you have 10 fans running, so if its cold with no fans running, it must be cold outside.
I am not a logical person. I wore flip flops. I am not a logical person, I wore a T-shirt. LUCKILY lukasaurus saved my day by giving me a giant sweatshirt to keep me warm on my walk to the library and then my long trek home.

I need to invest in socks.

Despite getting hypothermia outside this morning, and the thought of studying all day and working for 6 hours tonight at a restaraunt that just doesnt not compare to that of my dear titletown, I am very happy.
Very happy.

I finally have roomates, a really nice girl named ashley, who just is never around, but when she is, she's cool. Maineisha, who's a crazy german, but totally fun, and together we will create a pimpin german american embassy out of our home. And then some weirdass costa rican guy who's moving before the end of the month and is terrified of halloween and american women.

Maybe I will do some laundry today.... maybe not.
Maybe I will finish unpacking.... I really should... I really need to..... probably not.... but hopefully!

I miss Josh, and some of my other titletown friends, mainly him, as i hung out with him outside of work as well. But nothing cured a bad day like getting your ass slapped a big high five and a "good morning sunshine you look beautiful today" when i really looked sick, tired, and unprepared to work.
However he said he'd come visit me and stay here when he goes to a concert, so that should be grand.

I have done a complete 180 on my feelings towards the roomies though. Dustin and Kyle used to be a main reason I didnt want to leave and move, and now I dont really care at all. Dustin is, I don't know, he can be so nice, and funny, and we used to be really close, we hung out EVERY day, but he has a nasty evil side to him and i DO NOT LIKE IT. And the past month I was there he was just bitter and creepy.

I need to adopt some warm clothing for myself. Perhaps I will venture to the GAP today for long sleeved love.

SOCKS! I FUCKIN NEED SOCKS!
I don't want to buy socks.... dammit.

I desperately need to go running today. I'd really just like to sit around and eat bon bons all day, but no, I need movement.

Blah blah booooooring. Ok my new goal. Go home, unpack room. then either come back to library, or acquire long sleeves. go home again to shower, and then go to work, or maybe shower before comming back here.... I just don't know.
Maybe luke wants to eat lunch with me.

I miss my pre-planned days of
wake up- titletown, go home for an hour, titletown!
If they allow it, I will go back for christmas.
OOOOOO I know what sassy event i can partake in today.
I need to go to dingleberries tomorrow.
sweaters for under 10 dolla is money.

I miss beer bread and crackers for breakfast.

I WANT FREE WHIP CREAM BITCH!

I had a long talk with romps the other night.
SHITTY!
Basically, he wants me to beleive he's a changed person. He's finally realized he treated me like shit, and appreciated nothing, and that i was a fan fuckin tastic girlfriend especially for dealing with his shit for 2+ years.
NEAT.....but I dont care.
He wants me to put boys on hold, and not date anyone, not kiss anyone, not care for anyone, not be sassy with anyone. Until he's finished his changing process and then in a YEAR or maybe 2 he says, when he's completely a new person, and no longer an asshole, we can be lovers again.
EXCUSE ME?
His reasoning: wouldn't it be much more worth it to wait, and not date anyone, and then eventually be able to date him again, someone i loved before, and have had a connection with for over 5 years, and truly care about, someone ive grown up with and can continue to grow old with, isnt that worth more to wait for then to date anyone now, or inbetween and not really find that special connection again.

ITS BS

Ladies and Gents for the first time ever, I am over it. I am completely numb to him, after being beat up, physically and emotionally for 2 years, but still going back and doing ANYTHING for him, I am finally over it.

I am happy with Luke, and even if I wasnt, i need to do whats right for myself, and that is going to be to NOT DATE A BIG PIECE OF SHIT.

sigh...... its a giant weight off my back..

Ali..... poop.

No one at my new job will have dance parties with me.
I miss the mid-shift bumpin and grindin.

Tomorrow is friday........... maybe Kezelly will have people over, or perhaps Lauren will want to hang out.
Theres a teeny weeny chance luke will invite me along with the boys. EH.

I hate it here.
I wish I never moved.
I felt somewhat happy for once, for the first time in a long time....

and I regret moving here just like I knew I would.

Luke effin hates me.
sweet.

My housing is shit.... not THE shit...

fuck.

I am excited.... and thats an understatement.

Tomorrow night, will be my going away party, anyone and everyone (that I dont hate) is invited, we already had to move it to the neighbors because too many people were comming and my house isnt huge, but not only will it be a party, and a party for ME, which if course is sweet.
But tonight me D-man and Joshy are constructing a wrestling ring, in which me and louise, will be wrestling each other, in either pudding, oatmeal, or oil. It will be SWEET.

Saturday I move, and oh boy this is just an exciting weekend!
for now... I must pack.